Oodle Kanoodle

I’m still alive. Wow. that’s good news. Hahaha. Not good in keeping up-to-date with the net anymore. Not like i used to. I wonder why. Maybe because of the commitments and responsibilities that i have to face in life. Sounds like a drama in TV. =3

I am happy with my life at the moment. I finally settled down with a permanent job. And heck, i get paid to do what i do best, DRAW! Well, it’s not really that simple but it’s very interesting. I met a lot of wacky crazy fun friendly people in the office. When they got to know i draw comics and i have my own comic, they’d signed me up to join PEKOMIK. Weird. So if there’s any function on illustrators and arts, i guess more or less i will be involved.

Next year hopefully my dream will come true. Hopefully. My good friend Jim Main decided to publish The Cavaliers under his company. Which to me is already like WOW!!!!!! =D I’m still new to this publication business, but i am slowly learning the tricks and trades of things. I saw a sample of the cover and well, i was very much excited i could almost cry. :p All i wanted to know is whether people will actually read it? :p But i’m hoping and praying here. Thank you, Jim Main.

Talking about relationships now. Rose with thorns? Yup. It’s not the one you see in Disney fairy tales. This one’s pretty challenging and bumpy, and at the same time sweet and honey-coated. Yes i am talking about Totoro-Chan. It’s almost 2 years or so and yes, my love for him grows ever more and more. Even though we’re like so far away, we still keep in touch thru phone. I think we called each other everyday. Like we’re glued to each other more or less. It has been a bumpy ride for him and me, and plus we have our own problems to deal with, so we’re taking things easy. =) I’m not the least deterred by this. In fact it helped me to grow stronger. I welcome it.

Over all i should say i can’t wait for 2008 to arrive! ^_^

Cheers and love you guys! ^_______^

- fieza (^_^)V

If anyone saw Forrest Gump, the intro of the show, you would see a feather, some sort of like, drifting and floating in the air. And you could see Forrest with his leg braces. I think. Later on he ran as fast as he could and those leg braces snapped off. And He kept running on and on until in the end he would say, i’m going home or something like that.

Just remembering the movie. I cried when i saw it. I guess it was a touching one.

He would say that life is like a box of chocolates. You’ll never know what you’re going to get. So true in a sense.

Lemme go back to what i wanna say here. I’m not really good in blogging, so i’ll just say what i need to say.

This new year, most of us make resolutions. It’s kind of sad because i always break them. I tend to not keep true to myself, be a rebel and poof there goes the things i wanna do this year. So hopefully this year, what my new year resolution will be? First of all, i want to meet him. The love of my life. I may not be a romantic person or probably a sensitive fellow, and i know i have made a lot of mistakes, had a little fight here and there. All i know is, I want to meet him in person, my sweet totoro-chan, and give him a plushie hug. I would probably cry but i guess that’s ok. In fact i feel like crying as i write this. I cry not because i’m sad, i cry because i love him so much i can’t afford to lose him anymore. Wow, plus listening to Josh Groban’s song You Raise Me Up.. wow.. really sets the mood. If he’s reading this… Totoro-chan? I know i’ve made a lot of stupid silly mistakes. I know i tend to be crazy at times. I know i always end up being miserable. I’m sorry. I guess i’m pretty wild or  probably insane and crazy at times. And yeah stubborn too. I know this is going to sound stoopido but, i really miss you if i didn’t get to hear you for a day. Yeah. So Totoro-chan? I love you always forever. And i’ll wait for you. I dunno if you’ll read this but i hope so you will. I’m not good at expressing with words, so if i get blank when you ask me questions, i’m sorry. I’m so looking forward to meet you. Really i am. You’re a very sweet and funny person. I love you.

*sniffles*

Oh.. where was i? Resolution. Right. Second… by hook or by crook, or by death even, i want to finish up my comics, try and get a part time job, do other people’s comic projects, joint venture with totoro-chan.

Third? I want to at least lose some weight so i can wear my old jeans back. And at least i can dance faster on the Dance Dance Revolution mat.

Fourth? I want to meet totoro-chan and bring him to The Mind Shop and check out the comics. (mayhaps some yaoi manga would be cool)

Fifth? Well.. i’ll make it an every year resolution for this one. I would like me and totoro-chan to visit at least 1 comic convention in the States, and meet up with Jim Salicrup and Stan Lee. And maybe Neil Gaiman, Jill Thompson, Wendy and Richard Pini, Joe Mad, Jim Lee, Adam Kubert, Mike Wieringo (oops… too much)

Sixth… Publish comic together with Totoro-Chan.

Well.. i guess that’s about it. To tell you the truth, i really don’t know what my resolutions are but, all i know, i want to meet totoro-chan in person. And i wanna hug him and squuuueeezzeeeeeee him! ^______^

I just hit 27. Yup. 27 years old. Some people say it’s a nice age. I dunno what they mean but i guess they’re right at some point.

Lesseeeee… have i achieved anything during these 27 years of my life so far? Probably a few. And yes definitely have gone through trials and tribulations. From bad to worse. These experiences made me a stronger and better person. I suppose in life, the more troubl you get, the more wiser u’ll be. LOL! I wonder where i got that from.

Hopefully i’ll be alive for next year’s birthday then. Until then, keep on drawing!

Did i say i was cured? I doubt it. Even when i say i was, somehow that demon manage to creep back into your life and scare the heck outta you. That’s when you realise that you need more than a miracle to save yourself.

I have been through some difficult times while i was away from Friendster. I guess it’s not just the family and friends, it’s about me. The demon, the ghost, the spirit that dwells in me. Those negative thoughts that have been haunting me. I turned down the Wrigley’s contract after i had my seizure attack in the LRT train. After that incident, felt everything crushed down to pieces. The courage i once had, to venture forth into a world of uncertainties, all fizzled away. In the hospital, all i could think of is, is this the end? No more work? What will i do? As usual no one came to check me out and i was all alone in the hospital. Few days later, i decided to quit the Wrigley’s contract. Either because i don’t wanna get my health involved, or because i’m chicken. Those uncertainties playing in my mind all the while. Telling me that i’m not worth it. I can’t go on another inch. I’m worthless. Whatever i do sucks. Can’t even complete my own comic, my own epic. Life’s just get suckier day by day.

Looking thru those days i went thru, i had a slight depression in me. Have i not achieved what i have dreamed for? Did i actually get what i want? The answer, is no. And i am still depressed.

Depressed because of who i am.

I nearly gave up. Give up my career. My arts. My love for comics.

Then someone came up  to me and showed me the way.

It’s hard to fight it, but it’s all i’ve got. And i will fight the demons no matter how tough it gets.

Look out, world. I may be weak, but i’m not weak at heart.

Hello everybody! ^^ I’m not sure if people read this, but it’s ok. Just wanna write it anyway. :p

It’s been awfully awhile since i’m active in Friendster. Lost of things has been happening and i must say, they’ve been pretty much challenging. Most of them involves sanity and a bullet with yer name on it, if you get my drift.

A while back, i was backstabbed by a close friend and it really hurt very bad. Because of what he did, it left me traumatized that i decided to shy away from the internet world for a few months. Well, if it’s just a normal backstabbing then i don’t mind, but this is like…. along with your personal life… and the most deepest secret you share…. just went exposed.. like that. And because of that, people think i’m the evil one… the goth girl or something, and decided to flee from me.. whithout knowing the other side of the story. It’s very heart-wrenching because all the while, when you trust that particular friend, they talk behind your back and sudden;y tells the world that i’m evil.. i’m evil. I mean, what the heck? What ever happened to… hey buddy. u’re my buddy forever! Man… that sucks. As if i’m a toy or something. Sheesh.

I think i’m cured from the trauma already, so i guess this is the beginning of a new page in a new chapter.

Alhamdulillah i got a 1 month contract from Wrigley’s Company to do a roadshow for Sugus, Boomer and Pim Pom (yeas they’re sweets) starting on Tuesday. I’m quite happy coz t least i get todo something rather than nothing.

At this moment i kind of miss Jim Salicrup, once an editor of Marvel. I kind of miss his messages. he’s a very jovial kind of person and he shares his wisdom on comics like there’s no tomorrow. In fact i kind of miss everything i miss since i was away from the virtual world a few weeks ago.

Neways, i’m back. So here ye hear ye!

A fairie i did for Doc’s friend.

Ionwe and Legolas. Long story to this. Wanna know? Ask me. LOL! XD

The first thing we do if we see a stranger is either ignore him or ust
pretend you don’t know anything. Well, today i went to my dad’s clinic.
My mum told me to get 3 packets fried mee at this restaurant next door,
which is next to my dad’s clinic. So i went there and sat at this table
which is situated quite close to the entrance. A big-sized middle-aged
man is sitting by the table, his face is quite angey looking. I didn’t
mind really, i sit in front of him and order my food, which is thosai
(my fav!). Suddenly he starts quarelling with the waiters, i watch.
It’s like a scene in a movie so my eyes are wide open and take it as a
cool thing. Then he stop. I nibble at some murukkus on the table, when
he greet me. I greet him back and we started talking. I realise that he
is a friendly and jovial guy. He thinks i’m a high school kid, i said
no and he thinks i’m a college kid and i still say no. And i tell him
i’m working and i’m 26. He has a shock of his life coz he thought i was
very young. I ask him why and he said coz i don’t look 26.
Oh well, my food had arrive so i star eating. yum yum! He smile and
look at me and said "you know, most people don’t dare to sit in front
of me, coz of my size and my face. But you’re the first person who
actually sit face to face with me and smile at me. You’re very brave,
girl." I just smile back and continue eating. He talks about his
family, and i talk about my family. I told him i’m a graphic designer.
His daughter studied graphic but now she’s jobless and she sits at home
watchinh the pc. I chuckle and told him i do the same thing too. We
talk and talk and talk and then he excuse himself. Few minutes later he
said that he already paid for me. I’m shock and embarrass coz it’s not
really necessary. He said it’s ok because he said he already treats me
like his own daughter. I nearly choke.

Then i went to Tesco to
get some catfood. Most of the chinese community are preaparing for
Chinese New Year so the place is kind of packed. I had to park my car
way out of the supermarket. I have fun climbing the gate to get in. And
also fun climbing back down to get to my car. I wish i can do it again.

I’m tired. Think i’ll go grab a shower.

ps - the thosai rocks that i ordered second helping… he paid for it anyway… LOL!!!

She used to be my only enemy and never let to me be free,
Catching me in places that I knew I shouldn’t be,
Every other day I crossed the line,
I didn’t mean to be so bad,
I never thought you would
become the friend I never had.

Back then I didn’t know why,
why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all that you did was love,

Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
You’re my friend

I didn’t want to hear it then but
I’m not ashamed to say it now,
Every little thing you said and did was right for me,
I had a lot of time to think about,
about the way I used to be,
Never had a sense of my responsibility.

This is a song from Spice Girls called Mama. I guess every girl went through this situation. I did.

My internet got cut off this evening coz i didn’t pay my broadband bill for 2 months. So right now i’m using my dad’s pc in his room. He was not at home at that time. Was checking my mail and myspace stuff when he walked in. He turned on the tube and changed the channel to this religious talk show. It’s ok, coz i’m listening to it too while typing.

The topic of discussion was parent’s sacrifice. It was interesting, the audiences were given a channce to speak up and tell their stories about what they did to help out their parents. One of the speakers, her name’s Noor sumthing i forgot, started talking bout a mother’s sacrifice.

She spoke of how a mother fights with her dear life to give birth to her child, and when the child is delivered, she forgets all the pains and she finds happiness. The mother raises the child, feeds him, clothes him, comforts him, gives him education and so forth. Then the child makes it to the top and starts working.

Then she told this one true story about a mother who had 6 children. The children were all succesful people. But neither anyone of them wanted to take care of the mother. So they decided to take turns. 1 week the mother would be in the eldest’s house 1 week in another and so forth. Finally came to the youngest daughter’s turn. (this time i turned my head to watch the tv coz it somehow caught my attention as i am the youngest daughter in my family too) She waited but the brother never came. She went to the brother’s house to find out that her brother sent their mom to an old folk’s home. Quickly the daughter rushed to that place and saw her mother crying. Her mother was depressed and sad because she never thought the children could actually send her there. She said it’s not fair coz she has 6 children. So the daughter took her back home.

I almost cried. I choked. It’s already happening to my grandmother. No one wants to take care of her. My aunts and uncle send my gramma here so that my mum can look after her. But my mother herself is not well, she has stroke and she’s paralysed on the right side of her body. I told mom to think about it. Well, she decided to take care of my gramma anyway. It has been 3 years. And that whole 3 years my mum takes care of her. My gramma just had her stroke last year and couldn’t walk. She blamed my mum for it. She said that she rather die and forget about life. I felt very very sad for my mum. My mum has been dragging her left leg for 15 years. She never complained. Yet she kept trying to walk. I totally respect my mum’s willpower and strength. Why can’t my grandmother be that way too? All she does was complain, being depressed and doesn’t even pray. She loves her other children so much, but those children never really bother about her. Only my mum does. But she never sees that.

I pray that one day, i will never ever abandon my mother. No matter how hard she can be. I know, we always fight, we always quarrel. I understand my mum’s situation. I’m the only daughter in the family. If anything happens, there’s no more daughters left. And no one is closer to her than me. My brothers all left the house and stays in their own homes. They never really bother to come and see how mum is doing. Only when they need help do they come. And yet, my mum always blame me for things. I guess i have to be patient at the moment. I just don’t want the same thing to happen to my mum, what happened to my grandmother. And i don’t want the same thinig to happen tome too, if i have children of my own.

Mum, i still love you no worries, even if you don’t really understand me that much. I know u’ve been through alot. It’s ok. I guess that’s why God made me a girl. Coz He knows that i’m the only one who will take good care of you when you’re sick. 4 boys and suddenly a girl. I know i’m not all that girly and stuff, i know u’re worried about me being too bold at times. But don’t worry too much, mum. I guess as i grow older, i realised that there are a lot of things to catch up to. I know i make a big fuss coz u treat me like a 12 year old kid, keep calling my cellphone very 5 minutes to ask where am i and when i’m coming back, it is rather annoying and it’s embarrasing too when you do it in front of my friends, but i know u actually cared for me and u want me to be safe. I just want you to know that i’m 26 maaa! *sheesh*

Anywayz, i know u won’t be reading this ma coz u never really liked computers anyway. But maybe an angel will see this and send this message to you via a dream sequence or something.

Ma, i want you to know that no matter what happens, i still love you coz you’re my ma and whatever i did that make you sad, i’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. (OMG i’m starting to cry now!)

See? That whole talk show got the best of me!

Ma, i konw that i’m not doing so well academically like my brothers, and i know i don’t even have a job and a steady income like my brothers, but one thing i know, i will never give up looking for jobs and i’m gonna make you proud of me one day ma. I’m doing this for you ma. I will try my best to make my comics popular. I will try my best to be the best in the field i do. Coz you support me, even if you don’t understand. Those talks about you wanting to send me to Jakarta to study arts? That’s cool. Even though Jakarta’s not a really coolplace to study arts, but the thought that counts and i love you for that ma. Ma, listen to me, i’m going to make it. You wait and see. I’m going to do this just for you.

Waaaaaaa i’m crying…….. i guess i’m very touchy now….. *sniff*

You know, one day i’m going to be a mother too. And i can’t wait. It must be a beautiful feeling to it. One day my son or daughter will be doing this too.

Ok, let’s see… how should i write this?

I got up real early
in the morning to prepare myself for the interview. I slept real late.
around 3AM just to print and paste the artworks on my mounting boards.
I nearly cut a finger too. It’s ok.. i don’t mind really, then i will be Fieza of the Nine Fingers then. Hey there’s a ring to it.

I left at 9AM coz the interview starts at 10AM. The weird thing was,
whenever i go to interviews, something not right will happen. First, i
got stuck in a massive traffic jam that nearly freaked me out. Second,
i lost my way. I’d forgotten how to get to that interview place!! I
guess i was too nervous i totally forgot. And it was 10:30AM. Well, i
had no choice but to call my lecturer (who recommended me to this
company) and asked him for Andrew’s (the one who set up the
appointment) cellphone. Andrew was ok with it but he did warned me that
he’ll be leaving soon. I quickly rushed and managed to find it in time.

The first impression i got from the office? WOW!!!!
I feel like i’m in Pixar or Dreamworks Studio. I mean, something like
that. The setting was very professional, nothing like my old workplace.
The office girl told me to wait in the conference room. Illustrations
and animation posters were all over the wall. Then Andrew came in. He
smiled and greeted me, and asked for my folio. So i showed him those.
He was quite impressed with my comics illustrations and kept asking me
about it. It seemed to me that they were more interested in my
illustrations than the rest of my works. Later on they decided to give
me a test. Being naive, i thought it was a short one, just a 5 minutes
test. No. I was wrong. It’s a one hour test. They gave me 3 things to
draw. And i have to execute them and present it to them, of concepts
and ideas and the reason why i draw it in such a way. Ok, i thought.
This would be easy.

After the exam, they (well, one of them)  checked my work and well…
to say it frankly, he’s ok with it. Just a few questions that made me a
little uneasy. Like, "Are you into games?" "But you are playing guys’
games!" "I thought girls are supposed to be into fashion and stuff?" "
Your artwork looks magical to me." I feel like bashing him to pieces
but well… i can’t do that can i? Then he discussed with his collegue.
Later he came in and gave me 2 flyers on their animations. The dreaded
question had arrived….

"We want you to make some buildings, create a street scene, using
perspective. Use these 2 flyers as reference." I freaked out. I know i
am so bad in perspective. Being naive (again) i told them that i am
quite bad in perspective. I figured i’d better tell them now, or else
if i get the job and it requires me to do stuff using perspective, i’ll
screw things up. They were quite shocked and a little dissapointed.That
was when i realised i did something awfully wrong. Nevertheless they
gave me the test.  It was for half an hour but idid it in 5 minutes.
They were not too happy with it and they said "You’re rite. You’re not
really good in perspective." I sighed.

He complimented my folio and cellphone nevertheless. He admitted that
he liked the design of my cellphone. I customized it and i did the
covers by myself. He also mentioned that no matter what i will be a
successful comic ilustrator one day. I was reliefed in a way. I had
lunch with Barb. We talked about stuff and joked around in McDonalds.
Then the usual, i forgot where i parked my car in the parking basement.
I am always soooo forgetful! Bout half an hour later we found it. I sent her home.

Nothing special happened at night though. I was too tired to be online or anything. By 10:30am i went to bed and sleep.

That was it! ^_^

In this episode!!

See! Fieza breaking her speed record! 178km/h!! On the highway!
Hear! Fieza singing her lungs out to Nightwish!!! IN THE CAR!! WITH THE WINDOWS DOWN!!! FULL BLAST!!

Neways….

I looked forward to go to my very ol’ art shop near my very ol’
college. I got up realy early today, 7:30am. Then my mum told me to
send my auntie to the bus station. Darn, 10% of my enthusiasm faded.
Ok, so i sent her off. Then i went out again, it was around 10:30am. I
didn’t have any cash in me at all, i only got like… errrm…. RM10 in
my wallet. Well it’s ok. My pay ( i worked in my dad’s clinic few years
ago, and he still hasn’t cut my pay. Weird.) was in the clinic’s office
so i went there to get the cheque. I need the money so let’s say if i
bank in th echeque, i’ll get it like in 3-4 days. And i need it like…
TODAY??? I went to town to cash in the money. Ironically, today was the
first day of school, and you know every eager parents would wanna send
their kids to school. And you know there’s gonna be a massive jam on
the road. Oh boy. I managed to traverse the jam. But i could not
traverse the people in the bank. WA LAU EH!!! It’s ok it’s ok. I took
my number. 1125. Now it’s 1005. So i have like a lot of time before my
number’s been called. So it’s ok, i decided to  take a walk in Klang
town.

It’s been awhile since last i walked thru the busy lanes, watching
pedestrians walking by, buses waiting for passengers. I used to take a
bus here to my college. That was before i know how to drive. LOL!
Walking like i have no care in the world, i visited several places that
used to be my hang-out place. One of ‘em’s the mamak stall next to a
second-hand car shop. So i sat and ordered teh o’ panas (hot tea) and
roti kosong (asian pancake). The owner greeted me and i said hi. So i
was wasting my time eating and drinking, then i left. I went to the
bank and the number was 1089. Again i decided to go further into town.

There’s this one shopping mall i used to go, it’s called The Store. I
went in, checking out the bags and clothes and all sorts of things they
were selling. A young Indian girl walked pass me, as if she’s rushing
for something. I eyed on her. She was going from counter to counter,
asking them if they have a vacancy for her. I realised she was looking
for jobs. Acting like a spy, I followed her from behind. Then i saw
this neat looking shirt, and 1 minute when i wanted to continue
following her, she was gone. Heck! there goes my role-playing game.
LOL! Actually i wanted to help her get a job too. Too bad.

There were lots of cellphone stalls here. I asked around for a Sony
Ericsson K700i. Different stalls, different prices. What do u expect.
Relaxed, i went back to the bank. 1140??? OH NO i missed my number.
When i took anuther number it was 1180!! Forget it, i need help right
now. I called up my dad and told him what happened. He scolded me for
being careless. UHUK UHUK. Well, he told me to go to the clinic and see
him so i did. Thank God my dad helped me in time, he gave me RM500
(same amount in the cheque). I thanked him and quickly sped off to
Win’s Art Shop, half an hour from Klang.

I was in full spirit when i realised a Proton Wira hinting me for a
race. Well, sorry to be rude but this was what i said in the car. Quote
–> "Bugger!! You think i can’t drive coz i’m a girl? You wait and
see! I’ll show you who’s the girl!" So he revved his engine. And i
revved mine. We speedily change lanes here and there to see if we can
outrun each other. Then suddenly he was stuck, a slow moving car was in
frnt of him. I saw this oppurtunity to break from him and swerved to
the left. And i hit the gas, he was long gone!! MUUAHAAHHAHAH!!!!!!!
Ooooo sweet revenge!!

I reached Win’s Art Shop round 12:15. I was caught in the mad jam,
parents sending kids to school. But i rached my destination finally. It
was a nostalgic moment. All my college days started flashing through
me. It was this very shop that spent half a day looking for a Blond
Wood marker pen. It was also this very shop where i did my final
project and i cut my finger doing it. They have expanded so it looks
bigger now. Ironically, they can’t find a Bristol paper. I was
like….. oh brother. While they were looking for it, i searched for
some drawing pens and markers and some mounting boards. I striked a
conversation with the lady of the shop. She told me that her husband
recently had stroke. I told her about my mum who had stroke for 15
years. I told her to be patient about it, as stroke patients are very
emotional and sensitive (tell that to my mum). I left at about 1pm.
Henry called and invited me to lunch at A&W.

I reached home at 1:30pm. Henry picked me up and on we go. We had a
good time making fun of each other. He threw tissues at me, i threw
tissues at him. He sent me home at farted in the car. I beat the hell
out of him and he beats me back. When he reached my home he saw my 2
cats waiting for me. He knew i’ll freak out when he plays with my cats.
So he grabbed Pippin and tried to hurt her, and i was screaming like
nobody’s business!!!! I beat him and slapped him and he was laughing
his head off. then he left.

It is now 4pm and i am pooped. I need to update my folio and print out
some artworks. Mum told me i need to go to my bro’s house at night. I
was like.. WHAT??? I need to do my work! OMG! Why this? So i was
thinking that i had to bring my work there and do it. No choice. *sigh*

So that is my adventure so far. Funny eh?

<—- You shall die before your sword fell!!!!!

Tomorrow I will be going to this art shop near my good ol’ college to get me a bristol board. I can’t seem to find any here in Klang. I bought an art card and thought it to be bristol board so.. it’s like.. awww man! Neways, i’m preparing for the interview on Wednesday. Hopefully i’ll get it, but if i don’t it’s ok. I understand. It’s exciting really. Because it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the road. Yo just have to continue the journey until you reach your target.  Pretty simple. It also means that i am not giving up hope yet.  I used to be so scared and nervous, but when i think about it, it’s actually a journey. Like Frodo Baggins and Bilbo Baggins. The road goes ever on… there and back again.

I am so looking forward for this adventure!

And you have my bow…. *swoon*